Stages of Adaptation
Some parents feel that learning about the emotional stages of adaptation helps them understand what they are going through and what to expect. Although these can be listed as stages, the stages are not clear cut and often a parent is in more than one stage at a time. Therefore, we have grouped them as early and later emotions. Many of these feelings are discussed in greater detail in Emotional Responses of Parents.
What are the early stages of emotional adaptation that a parent goes through in adjusting to the experience of having a sick infant?
Early reactions (stages) are:
- Shock - A feeling of being stunned or dazed. Your mind is completely occupied by the problems surrounding early delivery. How will this affect my life? How will it affect my baby's life? Will my baby live? During this stage it is often difficult to think clearly or remember what has been said. You may need to hear the same information several times. Others may be able to understand and remember information better than you.
- Denial - Not wanting to believe that the whole event is occurring. Hoping that you will wake up from this bad dream. Hoping that it will just go away and everything will be all right. Wanting proof that what doctors and nurses say is wrong with your baby is really true. Sometimes seeing your baby, seeing the isolette with your baby's name on it, looking at x-rays or other indicators of "proof" makes the situation more believable.
- Grief and Sadness - Grieving away the perfect baby that every parent hopes and expects to have. Grieving away the ideal birth experience, happy celebrations, bring your baby home with you. Feeling sad for yourself and everything you are going through. Feeling sad for your baby, especially about the pain and suffering that s/he might endure.
- Anger and guilt - You are angry that your baby is sick. You wonder why did this happen to me? What did I do wrong to make my baby sick? (Most mothers did nothing wrong and could have done nothing to prevent it). Because you can't be angry with your baby, it is common to direct your anger toward your spouse, your friends, relatives or those caring for your baby.
Can I have more than one of these emotions at once?
Most parents experience all of these emotions, both immediately before and after the baby is born.
How long do these feelings last?
Different emotions may last for different lengths of time. Shock and denial usually resolve more quickly than the grief, sadness, anger, and guilt. Even after you think you have resolved your feelings, you may find yourself going back and experiencing these feelings again. Parents vary in the time course of resolving these emotions. Some of this relates to the degree of illness and the time course of the infant. Sicker infants take longer to stabilize and keep their parents on an emotional roller coaster for longer periods of time.
What happens later?
Later is a period of attaining equilibrium and beginning to reorganize. It includes:
- Adjusting to the guilt of having a sick baby - Having faced the fact that you did not have a normal labor and delivery, you can now move on to focusing on your baby.
- Giving up anticipatory grief and fear of death - This comes gradually as your child becomes healthier, when s/he begins to grow and develop.
- Understanding your own baby - Understanding your baby involves adjusting your expectations to what your baby can do. You focus more on the normal aspects of your baby, not what is wrong with your baby or the baby's medical problems.
- Increasing interaction with your baby - You become involved in the normal aspects of baby care such as changing diapers, holding, and feeding your baby.
How long does it take to finally adjust?
Resolution of these stages usually takes months to years. During this period some parents become involved in support groups or parent organizations.
What can I do to help myself?
Some things that parents tell us are helpful are:
- Learn about the common emotional reactions so you understand that what you are experiencing is normal.
- Talk to someone. This may be a spouse, family, clergy, or the baby's caregivers. Many parents become involved in parent support groups or offer to talk to new parents of babies with similar problems. Through sharing their experience, they hope that they can make the emotional transition of other parents a little easier. Most new parents find contact with other parents who "have been there" to be helpful.
- Seek information about your baby and his/her problems. Ask lots of questions. Understand as much as possible about your baby.
- Get involved in the care of your infant as early and as much as possible.
- Appreciate that having a sick baby is likely to be the biggest life stress that you have encountered. Don't hesitate to get help or counseling if you think that you might need it.
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